Funny Status Messages

   If you watch Lord Of The Rings backwards it's about a little guy who finds a really cool ring in a volcano and spends the rest of the film walking home.

   You stopped at a gas station for a pee break? C'mon, Ryan Lochte ,,, you spent 90 percent of your life in a public pool.

   Since the medica frowns on using the term "Chinese virus" or "Kung Flu", please use the following instead: Wuhan Weezer, Boomer Doomer, or the Holocough.

   People who go out to to socialize can be compared to zombies, who are also not thinking.

   Kid Rock wants to run for president. It's official. Our country is a joke.

   Could it be I'm already thinking about my Thanksgiving dinner? Because it appears to me that Rudy is sweating gravy...

   There are hot Shingles in your area – My Doctor

   If Clint Eastwood sneezes on you, it counts as a baptism.

   I think I've got Bieber Fever. Wait, wait, no, it's Ebola. What a relief!

   stayed awake to watch the Daylight Savings countdown, and still up from all the excitement. #TheyDidntDropABall

   There's "hell" in hello and there's "good" in goodbye. I don't know what that means, but think about it.

   Party Rule No.1: Always make the party worth the hangover.

   I don't care how old you are, When you see a balloon about to hit the floor, you dive too stop that sh*t.

   S.I.N.G.L.E. = (S)tress (I)s (N)ow (G)one (L)ife's (E)asier

   Understand that the road to zombie hell is paved with absolutely good intestines.

   I think the english language is declining... 1992: I like big butts and I cannot lie. 2006: Booty Booty Booty rockin' everywhere. 2011: ass ass ass ass ass ass.

   You're like a Password. Hard to figure out, but I always want to keep trying.

   If I am arguing with someone and they say "READ MY LIPS" I slap them in the mouth and tell them my vision is bad so I need large print.

   Son told me last night if I watched one more episode of Glee he was pulling my "Man" card!! I said whats a "Man" card? He says, something that you no longer have.... Kids these days,,,,,,,

   They got chicken-flavored doggy treats..ok...how does a dog know what a chicken is? He might like it if you give it to him, but he's not gonna say "Oh good I was hoping we was gonna have chicken again"