Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   how imagine if gilbert godfrey got Fran Drescher pregnant...omg what an annoying voice that kid would have

   Who spelled Licorice that way? It sounds like rice got some lice not delicious candy

   What would you call a lesbian with thick fingers? Well hung

   Lebron: I'm proposing to my girl. Kobe: with what?

   Suicide is never the answer. Unless the question is, "What should Justin Bieber's next career move be?"

   If a mentally challenged kid is late for class, is it ok to call him tardy

   "So cute! Do you think he'd fit in a crock pot?" The people at this dog shelter have like *no* sense of humor.

   Happy pagan fertility goddess and spring solstice worship holiday everyone!!

   whats long and black?........the unemployment line!

   looking for nemo

   I was going to call my bank and report fraud until I realized it was 𝑴𝑬 that spent all my money.

   I'm atheist. Swear to god.

   "Women are like cell phones, they love to be held, they love to be talked to, but if you push the wrong button, you'll be disconnected,"!

   Daytona 500 today! In related news, I'm watching some paint dry.

   Let government take care of the weak, the strong can take care of themselves.

   I'm furious at how fast people jokkke about celebrity deaths on the internet.

   Life isn't like a box of chocolate. It's more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow..

   I'm at my wife's company Christmas party and there is like zero pus sy here. I hate Christmas.

   what did Micahel Jackson Love about twenty five year olds........there was 20 of em

   The Daytona 500 happens tomorrow. I can't wait to miss it.