Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Sorry... Sorry... Sorry... Sorry... Pardon... Sorry..." Canadian bumper cars...

   Daughter''Dad I am a lesbian!'' Sister ''Me too dad!'' Dad ''Doesn't anyone like guys around here?'' Son ''I do!''

   I'm disgusted when I see an old man with a younger woman. Or a younger man with a younger woman. Just couples. Or groups. Any person really.

   Ariana Grande sounds like a new drink at Starbucks.

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit on his ass and drink beer all afternoon.

   My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.

   Just ask Tommy. Hilfiger it out.

   Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she's still there.

   Your fingers or mine? - LESBIANS

   Donald Sterling, Solange, and Michael Sam walk into a bar,,,,who am I kidding, Donald Sterling would NEVER was into a bar with either of them.....

   When things in your life don't add up, use math. It solves problems!

   Last night during some role play my wife dressed up as Lara Croft. The effort was nice but she reminded me more of a fridge raider.

   Hard to believe Amy Winehouse "vapor locked" today....I always thought that heroine, speed, crack and booze were part of the 4 basic food groups.

   Bazaar Magazine's new cover features Lady Gaga on it without any makeup or crazy wigs on. P Diddy says she needs to change her name like he did. Might I suggest Lady Gag Gag?

   I'm amazed at how much I reminisce about you, especially when I'm dropping a load.

   Good Morning , I see the assassins have failed

   Facebook = Heavily populated city. Twitter = Just a vacation spot. Myspace = A ghost town.

   When I realized that a bus stops at a bus station and a train stops at a train station, I finally understood why my boss calls his desk a "Work Station".

   I think the next reality show should be called "Taking out the Kartrashians." People get to beat them all up and stack them by the curb.

   I hope men who treat women like sh!t have figured out how to suck their own tiny c0cks.