Funny Status Messages

   I've managed to keep a plant alive for 6 months now, so obviously I'm ready for a relationship.

   If I ever mess anything up I am just gonna say, "It's not like I sung the national anthem wrong in front of the whole world or something."

   Welcome to Facebook where whine is served 24 hrs a day.

   Wow! I just had a multiple sarcasm...

   Ladies would you prefer a man to just say, "I just want to have sex with you" from the start?

   I wish I could commute by roller coaster.

   IN CASE OF FIRE: Please exit the building immediately before updating your Facebook status about it.

   I just watched a mattress commercial where the lady said, "It feels really good, no matter what position I'm in".....Why can't I meet a woman like that????

   I can't wait 'til I'm rich enough to throw things away that accidentally fall in the toilet.

   I wonder what the person I`m going to marry is doing right now

   Whenever I need a moment to myself, I just go on MySpace.

   Picking your nose doesn't mean you're a bad person. It's what you do with the booger.

   This world is not going to make any real progress until we stop perpetuating the belief that "paper" beats "rock."

   My girlfriend told me yesterday, "You only ever hear what you want to hear!" "Thank you," I replied. "I have been working out."

   The show "Toddlers and tiaras" was named that way because "Strippers in training" and "Mothers with self esteem issues" just wasn't as catchy.

   I wish the mailman would come to my house at the same time as the garbage man so he could give my mail directly to him.

   My box of animal crackers says "May contain nuts." So I'm inspecting each animal before I eat it...just in case.

   Your manners slowly disappear the more you have to repeat something. Example: Can you pass the salt? The salt, can you pass it. No. The SALT. GIVE ME THE SALT!

   My boss questioned my enthusiasm today. I can't believe he woke me up just to tell me that.

   I have ADHD. It's like ADD except the picture quality is phenomenal."