life Funny Status Messages

   I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

   I once dated an amputee,,,, She single-handedly changed my life.

   Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away

   Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take f*cking notes.

   Life lesson # 1,987- the Time I filled out an app for a job at the day care, and under "related skills" I put - Teaching kids how to make stick ppl out of tampons".. Ya, Mngmnt dont like that!!!! - just saying!!

   " My life is like a never-ending episode of The Walking Dead where nothing happens but somehow everything is f*cked. " Girlfriend!

   #fatgirlstrippernames: Dolores Umbridge... and now your life is scarred forever with that mental image.

   Life is like a p*nis, it's short but it seems so long when it gets hard.

   A good friend is like a computer. He ENTERS your life, SAVES you in his heart, FORMATS your problem, and never DELETES you from his MEMORY

   life is like a box of coco. Not a box of chocolate, a box of coco. Why? Everything comes in stupid make-it- yourself kits! >:(

   Life was much simpler when Apple's and Blackberry's were just fruits.

   The year I was voted sexiest man alive by People Magazine was the greatest time in my life. Now? It just gets me beat up in bars

   I need to get my life together. I spilled Life cereal all over the counter!

   I JUST SAW SOMETHING THAT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER. THREE SIMPLE WORDS....... ON NBC ..... "RIVERDANCE ON ICE"..... YOU HAD ME AT RIVER...

   Christian music: 2% thought provoking lyrics about god and life. 98% bad metaphors about god, that seem oddly sexual.

   I hate it when some popular girl form high school goes on an on about her life. I'm like woman shut your hole. Your mouth's had more pr*cks in it than a tavern dartboard.

   "Don't Regret Anything U've Done Bcuz' At One Point In Ur Life It Was Exactly what you Wanted 2 Do."

   if your reading this your on facebook and have no life

   Ugh. None of my Facebook friends have accepted my "Take Seven B&W Pictures of Your Life Print them Poster-Size, Tint them with Watercolors, Scan Them, Increase Vibrance by 50% then Post Each One with a 3-Word Description Challenge".

   Called my mom to tell her I was stuck in a rut. She yells that life is tough, get on with it & hangs up. I’m now waiting on a tow truck.