Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend just said that I put sports before our relationship. Bull$hit. It’s our sixth season together.

   I was so ugly as a child that the local pedophile used to eat his own candy.

   I want a closed-casket funeral when I die. And in case anyone opens it, I want one of those boxing gloves on a spring to shoot out.

   Ladies, we don't really want a sandwich after sex, we just want you to get out of the bed so we can go to sleep

   This pen I stole from the bank is off the chain

   Back in my day we also drank underage, we just weren't stupid enough to take photos of our illegal actions and then display them for all to see..

   You can lead a horse to water but I'd rather ride it to the liquor store.

   You can’t ignore the facts; if you’ve posted more than 4 selfies in the last month, you are a narcissist.

   You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body....

   Whenever I think of you, I touch myself. That is, I rub my forehead because you give me a f**king migraine.

   Sometimes taste is not a flavor, and class is not something you attend.

   McDonald's is going through a downward spiral and they can't figure out how to stop it?!? Hello serve breakfast all day...

   If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes

   Winning the NFC East this year is like getting a participation trophy.

   If a woman is crying and you don't understand why - congratulations! you're a man now!!

   Thank god we don't send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?

   Dear those people who use their cellphones as a personal stereo in public, stop it. Sincerely, Everybody

   "Couples wearing matching outfits is a hate crime".

   Pro tip: "Hold my drink" is not a proper response to "License and registration, please." ...... apparently.

   I lay nude daily in my back yard just in case Google Earth decides to update.