Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Our Grandpa died of a V!agra overdose,,, and to this day, we still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper...

   I just had an epifanny. I realized I can't spell epifanny.

   Boobs are like the sun, you can only take quick glances, but wear sunglasses and you can look until the world ends.

   Politicians should wear uniforms like NASCAR so we can see who their corperate sponsors are.

   I think I owe my right hand a Valentines Day card!

   found a squirrel trapped in a birdfeeder and can't help but feel like I should leave it in there a few hours to think about what he has done

   Thanks to the State Farm Insurance Commercial now I want a Falcon

   Because it's the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you're welcome

   Hey, insurance companies instead of having a commercial on TV every 10 minutes can you just cover some of my medical bills?

   Some mornings it's best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.

   A 24 hour weather channel? Why? We had the same thing like that when I was growing up... it was called a window...

   I like how none of the "robbers" on that Vonage commercial are black. Way to dodge that bullet, Vonage.

   wondering if there is such a thing called the "WHINE" flu... If so I am pretty sure my kids have it

   feeling like George Washington on a $1 bill... real single.

   A kiss is a lovely trick, designed by nature, to stop words when speech becomes superficial.

   performing random acts of kindness today to totally mess with people

   My neighbor should get a faster Internet service. This movie is taking too long to download.

   likes poetry, chocolate cake, and poking dead things with sticks.

   Above all else. Don't forget to smile. It either warms their heart or pisses them off. You win no matter what.

   Summer weather; it's not the heat, its the stupidity...