Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I stop at random Jehovah's Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.

   Murphy's Law 2013: The McDonald's is always on the opposite side of the street from the direction in which you're travelling.

   Shouldn't somebody else blow out the candles when it's a fireman's birthday?

   When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary... Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google it.

   Wesley Snipes was released from prison this week. Now he can finally begin filming "Blade 4: Twilight."

   It's Friday night and you're sitting at home on Facebook? HAHAHAHAHAHA same

   Every guy has a soft sensitive side. It's called “I need to get laid and I'll say and do anything to make it happen.”

   The only thing more ridiculous than Lindsay Lohan's antics, are those who are obsessed with them.

   To My Ex: It's not that I didn't like sex; I just realized it was a lot more enjoyable by myself than with you.

   Yeah you nailed the audition but some other chick nailed the director so better luck next time.

   I hate when I take a day off from the gym and it becomes lifestyle

   Haven't slept on my desk at work for the past two weeks, I can feel a promotion coming my way.

   What Meatloaf wouldn't do for love, I'd probably do for a Klondike bar.

   If i'm ever convicted of murder it will be because I had to say"excuse me" to many times while pushing a basket in Wal Mart.

   I'm not just hungry...I'm Oprah hungry.....

   father's day is a great time to stop into a strip club to remind yourself that you could have done worse as a father.

   so they asked Paula Deen if she ever said the "N" word.....i dont think she's ever used "nonfat"

   Well, now I don't know the name of any professional cyclists.

   Never underestimate my ability to make things weird for everyone involved.

   My 1 year old said YOLO... She actually might have been asking for yogurt,, but just to be safe I put her in a time-out.