Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
Words don't have the power to hurt you...unless.. the person saying them means a lot to you. 
Dear extra fat on my body, You have two options, move to my boobs, or gtfo.
For not knowing what's going on, dogs sure look embarrassed when you watch them taking a dump.
How come I always get the fortune cookie that likes to be a smart-ass?
I don't care how smart your phone is, it's not going to change how stupid you are.
Women's Ass Sie Study..30% of women think their ass is too fat..10% of women think their ass is too skinny..The reminaing 60% say they dont care,they love him,he's a good man & they wouldn"t trade him for the world!
I'm sick and tired of Pinterest invading Facebook! you need to stay on your side of the fence, we didn't invite you in our yard! Don't make me turn this into the Hatfield & McCoys!
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I'm still not entirely sure what instagram is
Dear children, When you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
Diet Journal, Day 4: Going well. Lost 4 lbs already and the neighbor's daschunds are looking less like chocolate eclairs.
Forget personalized ringtones. I need something done to my doorbell so I can tell if it's family, friends, UPS, Jehovah's Witnesses, or people trying to sell me sh!t.
Boss just calls me into work for a quick favor & the first thing he asks me is "Are you sober?" I said "Define sober." He hangs up. I win...
Nothing says you're out of shape like getting winded while vacuuming.
...I'm begining to think my Amish friend isn't going to text me.
B!tch, You're a booty call, stop putting your relationship status as "it's complicated."
dropped it like it was hot but couldn't pick it back up.
“Hey, it's been 6 seconds. Check your phone again.” (my brain)
Weddings in 3 weeks, I wish I could invite all of you but the Waffle House only fits 43.
Why doesn't the White House have a BIG YARD SALE to pay back the debt? 