Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...

   TIP: If you've forgotten your Bluetooth headset, wearing sunglasses indoors is an equally effective douchebag indicator.

   Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.

   Winnie the Pooh was based on psychological problems. Winnie has an eating disorder. Piglet suffers from anxiety.Eeyore has major depression. Tigger has ADHD.Rabbit has OCD. & Christopher Robin must be a drug addict if his stuffed animals talk to him

   I hate when I get some Taco Bell and somebody tells me that Taco Bell isn't "real" Mexican food. I didn't get Taco Bell because I wanted authentic Mexican cuisine. I got Taco Bell because I'm poor and I like Chalupas.

   Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green..

   Always keep several Get Well cards on the mantel. If unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean.

   Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."

   Confucius say: Man who go to sleep with sexual problem, wake up with solution in hand....

   Who came up with the brilliant idea of moving the clocks forward on the weekend...in the middle of the night?? Why not move them ahead on a Friday around 4PM?

   I'm bored. Who wants to fall in love with me until they find someone better?

   You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east

   Live today like it's your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn't.

   An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.

   Skin-tight clothing only works if the skin underneath is tight also

   People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you're watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.

   When girls or any women ask you "What?" In reply, it isnt cause they didnt hear you. Its because they giving you a CHANCE to CHANGE what you just said.

   Heard that Snooki hates the nickname "Snooki" and wants to go back to using her real name, "Danny Devitto".

   Sometimes I fill up my blow up doll with helium so its playing hard to get.

   The quicker sniffer upper ~ Hunter Biden (learned it from his dad)