Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   God's little inside joke..Give a man a heart & feelings that can be crushed in a matter of seconds.

   I'm Not Walking With My Head Down Because I'm Sad, My Head Is Down Because I Want To Be The First Person To Find Whatever You Lose.

   Go to google, type in 'giraffes are' and check out the auto complete suggestions...

   ‎"Hello? George? This is Barack. I need to talk to you about Libya..."

   You decided to show your true colours.....guess I didn't like the painting.

   AT&T should make a commercial with the pink dress girl naked and say, hey tmobile where is your clothes? And the girl can say you bought it right off my back.

   Hahaha AT&T bought out t mobile. After all the hating on tv, they sold out, shows how much better your 4g network is.

   AT&T is buying T-Mobile for $39 billion. It was a tough call for AT&T, but then again—EVERY call is a tough call for AT&T.

   If a man tells you he deleted those pictures off is phone....he didn"t delete them.

   I went to a disco last night. They played the twist, I did the twist, They played jump, I jumped. They played "come on Eileen"...I got kicked out for that one.

   If I was homeless I would enter various resturants and yell "FOOD FIGHT!"

   Have you ever met a girl who you instantly know you shouldnt be talking too but you still do it anyways. Me either.

   I grew 2 inches today. and yes thats exactly what youre thinking...

   I met a girl today in class, she told me to call her. So I found her on fbook and messaged her instead. Swag.

   We all have a devil and an angel on our shoulders. Only problem is my devil has a gym membership!

   [This status has been removed for violating thought processes]

   When the hell did my delusions of grandeur, turn into delusions of adequacy?!?

   have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while you eating it?

   There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year... play it safe and call in sick tomorrow.

   young at heart..... other parts slightly older.. and broken!