Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Putting your phone away and paying attention to those talking to you? There's an damn App for that. It's called "respect".

   Who spelled Licorice that way? It sounds like rice got some lice not delicious candy

   I'll stop drinking heavily when it no longer serves a purpose (when you get attractive)...

   Ya...I'm old school like that! On a desktop. Not a smart pad or a geek phone or one of those other really cool devices of technology that I wish I had.

   I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

   Just poked about 20 people in about 20 sec's flat... Whew... Blows on finger....

   I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee...so I pulled over and fertilized your crops.

   Got my umbrella taken away at gunpoint.....damn Burlington mall

   If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons made Rosie O'Donnell fat.

   says: Be quiet in the classroom, respect the fact that others sleep! My gosh, seriously!

   I would love to one day use the term "blood, sweat and tears" and have more than just the "tears" part be true.

   Justin Bieber is the real reason why Ricky Martin decided to come out of the closet

   Someone please take these chocolate eggs away from me!!!! There's no more room in my jeans!!!

   We never do anything nice and easy, we always have to do it nice and rough.

   Dear CNN ... NBC News .. Fox News and AP ..... I'm setting my alarm for 3am Friday, so I can wake up, remember I don't give a sh*t about the royal wedding and go back to sleep...

   God, when I said make it rain on me, what I meant was shower me with money like a stripper, not the weather

   Hide yo pot. Hide yo pipes. 'Cause they arrest'n erry body out here

   Big trucks should only be allowed to drive in one lane and we will call it the sucky driver lane

   I hate when my hairdresser tries to sell me products. I nod as if I like my hair being spiked and then when they go to ring me up they ask if I want the gel and I have to awkwardly reject them as a person.

   caught sticking sharp metal objects into the wall outlets. Now I'm gounded.