Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't stand it if I'm excluded from an activity even if I have no intention of going and don't like those who are.

   If my number of Facebook friends drops, I just assume someone died.

   Men Give Give Give Forgive........ Women Get Get Get Forget........

   Tell a girl a million times shes not fat... She'll never believe you... Call her fat once she'll never forget it.

   Local cemetery raises cost of burials, blames "cost of living".

   President Obama should of shoved his birth certificate up Donald Trump's @ss

   You should not be angry if all she wants is your money because all you want is her body.

   It never dawned on me about how fascinating I truly am until I perused through my Google search history.

   I see by your Facebook bio that you're into crafts, blogging, windmills, cats, food, earwax, wine, jazz, God, gaming. ME TOO!

   Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.

   Since President Obama had to show his birth certificate... I am going to need Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann to show me a copy of their HS diploma... Because I have doubts..

   The strangest thing about Obama's birth certificate is that it lists Joe Biden as a witness to his birth. Other than that, it appears fine........

   Dear Man, It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it? Sincerely, Elephant

   Dear Dr. Phil, Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first. Sincerely, Dr. Pepper

   Mr. President, now that we have the birth certificate we will need your SS#, credit card #'s, bank account #'s and all pins and passwords...Thanks Donald

   I'm having a royal wedding watching party...drinking beer out of tea cups.  Pinkies up....chug chug chug

   hitting balls into the field of dreams...

   Out came the sun & dried up all the rain, and the itsy bitsy spider climbed up the spout again!

   the best part of sunny days is not having to read about everyone complaining about the weather

   I'm selling Royal Wedding barf bags for anyone else who is nauseous from seeing every sickening detail on TV.