Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One of these is not in my bed right now: 3/4 Empty 1 Liter Crown Royal Bottle... Online FB Friends... Lap Top... Cold Pizza... Vaseline Jar... Naked "Bridget the Midget" Blow Up Doll... Me... Self Respect

   Has anyone found my black box yet? I'm kinda curious to see where it all went wrong?

   Kill your vibe? How can I kill something that never existed in the first place?

   I've heard the song 'This Is How We Do It' like a million times, but it's still very unclear to me.

   If I ever have to have a steel plate in my head,. I'm gonna start me an awsome magnet collection.

   There are two rules for success.. 1. Never reveal everything you know

   thousands of guys want to go for a 1 way trip to Mars... I'm dreaming for a 1 way trip to Venus !

   And then Satan said, "Put the alphabet in math..."

   I hate it when an ugly girl catches me staring at her cleavage.

   Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

   Whenever someone says "Oh you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"

   In this hyper PC country we live in, shouldn't murderers be called "Post-life experience Faciliters"

   No one has it worse than the duck that's allergic to gluten.

   "It was always the pigs who put forward the resolutions. The other animals understood how to vote, but could never think of any resolutions of their own."

   Pregnant Kim Kardashian is moaning in a magazine, "Nothing looks good on me" I disagree. A grand piano dropped from a considerable height would.

   Some days I hate getting up for work, but then I think oh well, only another 40 years to go, and that always cheers me up.

   I wouldn't make it very long as a tattoo artist because I would always be asking "You're kidding me, right, you want that?"

   I just bought a pair of socks at Jos A. Banks and got 3 free suits, 4 shirts and 4 ties!!

   Don't drive while sending mixed messages.

   I just miss being able to slam it down when upset with someone. ..so they could hear it slam.