Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you wanna be stabbed or threatened every time you don't perform well in bed, get a latino woman.

   All I want for Father's Day is the last freakin donut.

   I just put cheese spread on a Cheez-It and now I understand quantum physics.

   Jeremiah quickly learned that as long as he had wine, some mighty fine wine, he would always have a friend.

   A snail was out walking one afternoon and was stopped, robbed and beaten up by two turtles. When the police arrived they asked him what had happened. The snail said he was not sure as it had happened so fast

   Just tried "unicycling"... My balls HURT.

   My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife to him as the lesser of two evils.

   If Jesus turned water into wine, imagine what he could do with the bottled water we have now. He could probably turn aquafina into Grey Goose.

   Internet dating is like ordering fast food, It looks really good in the picture, but when you see it in person its a whole different ballgame.

   I bet Jesus was pissed that he missed the whole weekend and then woke up on a Sunday when the liquor stores are closed.

   Being a gentleman never goes out of style

   This bar has like 50 different kinds of beer and DiGiorno pizza and the bouncer keeps telling me it's a "grocery store"

   I hate being that creepy guy outside your window, but damn girl it's 7:30 already. You're gonna be late for work.

   Youtube is down so I'll just have to go to Instagram and imagine the cats are moving.

   My morning bowel movement would be a lot more relaxing if it happened at home or at work instead of during my commute

   If a 99 pound person eats 1 pound of nachos,,, that person is 1% nacho

   Itunes was wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.

   a police uniform is just another gang color

   You know How tornadoes only hit trailer parks hard... I'm guessing these Derechos only hit Home Depots hard.

   My idea of a blind date is not removing your blind fold.