Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.

   Here's a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.

   If an imaginary person in your head tells you that you should kill little children, that is not religion but a mental problem.

   Where do adults named Alice come from? I’ve never met a kid named Alice.

   The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!

   Son came home from school and asked what "ostracized" meant.. Of course I told him its a unit of measurement for birds.... *now I've got another parent/teacher conference next monday*

   I'm "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start" years old.

   People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just being ambidextrous.

   There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press "door close" in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars

   Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.

   The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she's going to get me something.

   Just heard some of Drakes new album..& damn it got to me..let me go call my ex from 1st grade I miss the way we use to colour together.

   I'm opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint. I really think my "Whites Only!" restaurant idea will be a hit!

   A string of stars tattooed on your chest is a great way to let everyone know you're a 22 year old single mother of 4 kids.

   Give your child a chance. Not a mohawk.

   So, Dexter is really The Brawny Man?!? Gee thanks, Showtime....

   I'm pleased to say that I just used some germ-X and got rid of 99.9% of germs on both my hands and probably got them back while typing this

   Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you'll love my farts.

   My stomach is so torn up I'm playing Russian Roulette when I fart.

   "Hey David... Do you talk to your girlfriend while you are having sex? "Only if there's a phone handy"