Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a guy says he wants to get to know you, he means he wants to get to know your boobs.

   Q: What's long and hard that a girl marrying a Polish guy gets on her wedding night?....... A: his last name.

   A nutsack is a guy's Christmas Ornament from God.

   "So You Thought You Could Watch This Show About Dancing"

   If it smells like a salad and it tastes like a salad, there's still a good chance it's an organic vegan chocolate chip cookie

   Yes, you can lead a horse to water but you can also bring the water to him. Maybe do something nice for someone else for once in your life... geesh

   A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.

   God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later... Amen

   Make sure to send prayers to people suffering from natural disasters, because if god didn't care while he was doing it, he surely will after

   I dated a swallower. I married a ‘get that thing out of my face’.

   "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened with daddy issues, and I will give you drinks." Brolossians 11:28

   I'm white but not "always bets against Floyd Mayweather and lose my money" white.

   It's not premature if you're still at the dinner table and she doesn't notice.

   it bad that "wine" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?

   I'm just looking for a nice girl who can peel a banana without using her hands or teeth.

   My last girlfriend said I was too immature. She dumped me during a game of hide and seek I forced her to play. I searched for days.

   If you're happy and you know it go away.

   My name is Brian but my friends call me when they need a favour.

   i set my dvr to record the bigest loser and all I get is dallas cowboys games

   Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until ALL the birds have gone South for the Winter.