Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No Nike. I'm tired. You do it. I'll get the next one!

   Rejection from a girl at the club only hurts if your desire to get laid is weaker than your commitment to get drunk.

   My boyfriend better be glad he isn't real or there would have been a huge fight about the panties I found in my bed that I forgot were mine.

   Dance like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody's listening. Post like your life is marginally more interesting than it is in actuality.

   To make sure everyone cries at my funeral, I'm requesting they play nothing but Creed and Nickleback through factory car speakers.

   The phrase “I don’t get women” has two different meanings depending on your marital status.

   The human heart has four chambers : Rumpus room, Tradesmans Entrance, Wine Cellar and Guest Bedroom

   When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

   Don't you just sometimes start a conversation with someone and halfway through you regret the day you've met them?

   "Let me make your morning" - coffee

   Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.

   I'm starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.

   At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?

   How can you complain for 11 months then be thankful on Facebook for 30 days???

   We live in a society that's the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.

   Repaired a vacuum the other day. It was easy,,, I just stuck one of Scotty's jokes on it... Now it sucks just fine

   Did Da Bears really just march into Green Bay and beat the Pack, just wanted to Daaable Check

   Being a reasonable man,, I pointed to the door, suggesting the spider leave immediately and peacefully

   I'm home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl's buying another load of laundry.

   We met on Christian Mingle,, and our baby was born 6 months later