Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NB: I am not a Giraffe. Not because I'm a boring fart who won't play, but because I am a smart fart who got it right

   Whenever I check into a hotel with my girlfriend, I check the one with a beauitiful ceiling because we like taking turns as to who stares at the ceiling.

   I'm at that stage in life where I have to choose between getting loved or getting laid. Tough!

   There is nothing like listening to Led Zeppelin to drown out the Jonas Brothers break up. . .

   an 18 years old girl is like a good carpenter; no wood get wasted.

   *buys Sushi for Dummies*.. *preheats oven*.. *reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*.. *turns off oven*

   Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?... Me: Pfft,,, I could think of like fifty reasons,, I’m not falling for that.

   If she gets up and goes and makes you a sandwich after sex. You're not doing it right

   One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

   Why do rappers boast about their flow? I thought all women hated periods? Plus telling every one about it is very unlady like, 2 Chainz.

   Clark Kent’s mask is a pair of glasses? And no one recognised him? I wore glasses to the job I was fired from and I was still kicked out.

   being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible

   A Relationship is like poker, if you don't have a partner you better have a good hand.

   I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life if I die on Friday.

   Sometimes we've gotta, nod, agree and giggle. (in that exact order)

   The most pathetic thing I read in the news today is that: The Jonas Brothers Break Up. That's F - N funny, Umm they're brothers. . .

   Ralph Macchio is 50. Pat Morita was 52 when the Karate Kid opened,,,,fact check next time!

   Tempus fugit: The Karate Kid (Ralph Macchio) is the exact same age today as Mr. Miyagi (Pat Morita) was the day Karate Kid opened in theaters.

   On This day in 1918 Transylvania unites with Romania. Locals stay up all night to celebrate. Then return to their coffins just before dawn

   THEY'RE going THERE with THEIR friends…it's not rocket science. Unless they're going to the moon, then it IS rocket science!