Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If movies have taught me anything it's that all car chases eventually lead through a fruit stand.

   wait....what if the extreme cold in America is actually just Disney’s advertising campaign for Frozen?

   Why the hell is a group of Kangaroos NOT called a Kangacrew?

   Don't tell me what they said about me, tell me why they're comfortable telling you.

   Anti-smoking efforts have saved 8 million lives. No wonder traffic sucks!

   Say all you want about Hitler, at least he never posted updates about going to the gym, Throw Back Thrusday photos, or "hashtag" anything.

   Velveeta Cheesocalypse...Why weren't we prepared?

   It's colder outside than two ex-wives.

   The best part about being single is only having to say "I'm sorry" to the dog or cat.

   You had me at tubes tied.

   I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.

   This bottle of red wine is more mature than me!

   Polar Vortex...nice term for cold air from Canada, media.... just watch,this summer, when the temps go into the 90's, they'll refer to a heat wave as a "Solar Vortex".

   I can't change the channel when those stupid snuggie commercials come on because I'm under a blanket and I don't want my arms to get cold.

   FACT: Cops love donuts.... just not when you do them on a four lane highway.

   This post is closed captioned for the hearing impaired. (THIS POST IS CLOSED CAPTIONED FOR THE HEARING IMPAIRED)

   Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues

   Anything that ends up in my backseat should accept that it will be there forever

   It's so cold out the Town Flasher was caught describing himself to women.

   I feel like a slice of butter, meltin on a big ol' pile of flapjacks!