Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Unless the waitress is hot and with it nobody wants to see a photo of the food you got at the resturant.

   I do hate big butts but I can lie. I don't want to seem shallow.

   My cat just jumped down from on top of the counter onto my laptop on the desk, opening David Bowie "Heroes" on iTunes. And now he's the coolest person I know.

   Now why would I possibly want to "Follow" your Spanish only speaking Twitter account? Oh look at that, Ginormous huge ti tty selfies? *Now FOLLOWING Tetas Gigantescas

   Am I the only one that finds these new old spice commercials god damn annoying?

   My toaster just got broken, now I have to eat raw bread like an animal til the next payday

   I just saw a guy wearing uggs get arrested. Not sure what for, but I'm hoping it was because he was wearing uggs

   2 hours ago · WOW... I think Easter is getting here earlier and earlier....apparently I missed Justin Bieber's neighborhood egg hunt.

   After searching Justin Bieber’s house, police say his only crime is calling what he does music

   Just when you think you've got all the answers, I change the questions.

   Thankyou, slow walking family in front of me on the foothpath, No please, take your time.... and definately spread out, so you create a barricade of idiots.

   I checked out a book on time travel from the library. It's due last week.

   I knew my wifes cooking was getting out of hand when the flies chipped in on a screen door

   Then there was a cannibal who passed his neighbor in the woods

   I always wondered why cross eyed people never get hit crossing the road. Then it hit me. They are always looking both ways.

   And that was the last time I confused Clorox cleaning sheets with baby wipes.

   I think I'd be a pretty considerate cannibal, even if I were constipated I wouldn't force your hand.

   I had to explain the Goonies today... so I'm feeling super old and bitter.

   You think after making 58 mil last year, Bieber could buy a freakin belt.

   Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.