Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I'm pretty damn excited.

   Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.

   Mus in the 60s, orange in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s... * the history of tang

   I always have skis mounted on the roof of my car just in case I flip it and land in the snow.

   Usually when I drink too much I start feeling like the world revolves around me.....really fast and for. Mon

   In honor on MLK I'm eating Oreos

   users please proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

   We will fight to the death for our pacifist aims

   I'm not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn't looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.

   Genie: Thank you for freeing me,, I will grant you 3 wishes, what is your first?.. Me: more wishes!.. Genie: A genie can only grant 3 wishes... Me: Well then, more genies!!.. Genie: Aww, crap

   OMG you guys!. I Almost hit a jogger while I was taking a selfie and driving today... So please you guys, be careful,,, do NOT jog.

   Canada send us Justin beiber, we send Dennis Rodman to Korea, Korea send Gungnam Psy to The world.....just funny how the world works

   adding "Clinical studies have shown" to your sentences makes you sound more intelligent.

   When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music, but when I do it I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot"

   What happens when you eat pizza everyday for every meal? Asking for a ninja turtle.

   If on Superbowl Sunday, The Broncos win,, I'll shave my chest hair and glue it to the top of my head,,, If they don't, I'll wait till the day after.

   Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

   You’re like a thief tryna avoid setting off the motion lasers in a museum when you want to leave bed after a cuddle without waking her up

   It's funny the only two states that legalized pot are sending their teams to the Super Bowl...I bet you won't be able to find a bag of Funyuns in the entire state of New Jersey.

   Heard Dominos is coming out with a pizza in honour of Tom Brady...one half of its covered and its called the "incomplete"...