Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your manhood has become a bit green, floppy and scaly. you could be suffering from a reptile dysfunction.

   Just seen the new Batman shampoo in Costco. I can't believe they haven't paired it up with a conditioner Gordon.

   A woman spits out 30,000 words a night, gets mad that you don't remember words 21,191 - 21,198.

   "Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...

   beer I'm fine...wine I'm blind!

   True Story: Justin Bieber got his 1st tattoo at the age of sixteen. It was a Butterfly on his lower back just above the bikini line.

   If the universe didn't want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn't have four slots on my toaster...

   It's weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

   Oh Lawd, this woman in Wal Mart has a box of tampns and bottle of Midol in her.....Please everyone stay out of her way!

   Its called KARMA and its pronounced "Ha ha you got served what you deserve"

   Omg look at my baby scans, they are so original and definitely don't look exactly the same as every other baby in the world.

   Another rapper was arrested with Justin Bieber. In related news, rappers are getting way less cool

   Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses

   ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool.

   Love yourself, just don’t do it in public. There are laws against that type of behavior.

   At what age does stupidity wear off?

   The great thing about hanging up on someone is you can no longer hear them talking.

   Blacking out is the ultimate in relaxation.

   Someone at work asked why Batman wasn't in The Avengers movie, and now I've got a body to dispose of. :(

   Some couples experience a deep, unconditional love that transcends words and exists as happiness in its purest form. I have that with vodka.