Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Be careful of those who pat you on the back. They might be looking for a soft spot to plant the knife.

   Yes, I'm in a complicated relationship. Trying to decide which hand to use makes things more difficult than you can imagine.

   there is a drug available to cure homosexuality... Cyanide

   Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday

   They are saying that Ukraine might split into two nations...It's gonna be called "2Krainez"....T.R.U. story

   when i'm real stressed i'll scream into a pillow, but I have a memory foam pillow and while I sleep it remembers

   It's either have some chocolate or stab someone. I hope I have change because I have a knife...

   There are some women who simply refuse to be women.

   Yesterday in California a couple walking their dog found $10 million worth of rare coins buried in the ground. It's the biggest stash of coins found since Oprah had her couch cushions cleaned.

   The FDA has approved a new camera that can be swallowed so that doctors can look at the inside of their patients' bodies. So to answer your question: Yes, selfies CAN get worse

   If the homosexuals are here to stay maybe they should all move to UGANDA. Problem solved.

   And its absolutely asinine that asinine isn't spelled assanine.

   You know your old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!

   Just woke up and can't go back to bed. I turn on the TV looking to maybe find something to watch. My choices are Baggage, 7 days of Sex, Sex Sent Me to the ER, The Real World:Ex-plosion, and Hannah Montana. Wondering if Miley Cyrus is staring in all of th

   A woman's cleavage tells you the amount and type of attention she needs.

   Chivalry isn't dead, it now just wants the @nal.

   Well I don't want to date anyone that's ugly, but I also don't want to date anyone that's stupid. So I'm single.

   If you're a good enough cook, fat people will let you pet them while they're eating.

   What do you mean there's no attendant in rest area bathrooms? Then who was the guy that held my pen*s while I peed and vigorously shook it?

   Madonna and Johnny Depp seem completely unaware they aren't British