Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

   This dream is just beginning. Please let me sleep.

   I think I will dye some Easter eggs white this year

   Dude, it's just another Friday. I would expect the religious ppl to be at work on time as well.

   Once the trust goes in a relationship, there's no point lying to them anymore.

   "If this is Good Friday, I'd hate to se a Bad one!" ...... Jesus

   Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can't use it.

   I expect all atheists to be at work bright and early tomorrow...

   Pain wouldn't be so bad if it didn't hurt so much.

   Gentlemen playing leapfrog are kindly requested to complete their leaps. - sign in a g@y nudi$t colony.

   My neighbor has a toilet marked "FREE" on his front lawn. Either offering a free used potty or he's part of the Toilet Liberation Army.

   Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?

   I'm really tired but it's OK. There's a nap for that.

   If you've ever put away a kitchen knife and not imagined the day you'll dramatically fight a burglar with it, congrats, I guess you're the adult.

   Forgetting to switch off your alarm on a day when you’re not meant to go anywhere is an invention of lucifer himself.

   just seen someone write “10Q” to mean “thank you“ and I wouldn’t even be mad if there was another Noah like flood in the next few minutes.

   If no one is there to touch you, are you really there?

   I'm definitely not trying to insult your intelligence, you would have to possess some first.

   The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.

   I'm not shy. I was just trying to not offend you. But if you insist...