Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So I danced like no one was watching. I'm currently out on bond and my hearing is next week.

   I don't judge you because your opinion differs from mine. I judge you because your opinion is imbecilic.

   My songs pants fell down last night and a hologram of Michael Jackson appeared

   What is love? I don't even want an answer. I'm just ecstatic knowing that at least 90% of you thought "Baby, don't hurt me."

   How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?

   Love is very strong.. It can remove tears, fears & even underwears.

   The difference between being good... And being better is sometimes in how willing you are to let your Demons free to dance with your Angels.

   Bon Jovi lives but John Tucker must die

   A whip for the horse, a bridle for the ass, and a rod for the fool's back.

   ♪♫ I'm just a little silhouetto of a man... Got a song? Got a song stuck in your head right now? ♪♫

   I kept this status nice and short so it would be just like me. My "Eye Roll Sense" is tingling.

   Jimmy cracked corn and no one cared about it so much that they've been singing about it ever since.

   You know I don't care about losing some people that don't wanna be in my life anymore, I lost people that meant the WORLD to me and I am still doing just fine.

   Fact: A 3 year old can hear a candy wrapper being opened from up to 300 miles away.

   I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy" I then wait at green lights 'til I feel better about myself.

   If we wait patiently, eventually we'll all play Batman in a movie.

   I called the surgery this morning to book an appointment for my annual check up. I just hope the receptionist can spell!!!

   When I was in high school I was suspended for fingering a girl behind the bike shed. Now my son is in junior school and history is repeating itself. I've been arrested this time though.

   Nice try Jehovah's Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my d.....

   My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell 'em: "You're gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!