Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey are you stalking me? I'm so tired of hot women following me around all day, it gets annoying.

   I feel like LIFESAVERS candy is overstating their importance...But just to be on the safe side I'm gonna go get some! If I'm found dead,I would like them to be sued for false advertising.

   Thinking that they made the turtoise and the hare book to make fat people feel good about theirselves!

   ♫♪ It's a quarter after one; I'm a little drunk and I need you now....♪♫ Sounds just a tad better than it's 1:15, I'm Trashed & Horny let's get busy...

   "Find your ideal partner on Facebook!" No thanks, I can safely say that one quality I am not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm.

   Could I borrow your face for Halloween?

   even if your sporting a tic tac for a dck....you can still freshen their breath!

   I just saved a lot of money by not paying my car insurance bill.

   Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them??

   It's good to meet girl in park, but better to park meat in girl

   You know that garbage can right next to Oscar the Grouch's garbage can? That's where he takes the ladies.

   Words to live by: If your outflow is greater than your income, then your up-keeps guna be your downfall

   lets turn the NFL into touch football

   Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever.

   thinking that if you have to advertise that you are a princess across your ass, odds are you are probably not

   Just remember people...the sober one ALWAYS remembers everything :)

   Snuck a bunch of booze into work today using my stomach.

   Guess we know who 90,000 Boeing employees won't be voting for in 2012....

   ...Sorry, Christine O'Donnell, you are NOT smarter than a 5th grader. Thank you for playing, please accept these lovely parting gifts, and GTFO.

   if you stand on your toilet your automatically high on pot!!!!