Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear God, it's a new working week. When in trouble, please give me the strength & courage to use the lines once used by a visionary. "Sc**w you guys, I'm going home" - Sir Eric Cartman

   Yeah :) ... I like it on Your shoulder ... and don't ever try to tell me to " hold it ! "

   Wouldnt ot be nice if breast implants came with a squeaky toy inside them.

   nothing better than waking up to multiple "like"s on ur facebook status

   How do you find will smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints...

   Just entered hour nine of an overly-dramatic sigh.

   If at first you don't succeed, try relaxing your jaw a little more.

   OH NO!!!! My purse is gone! How did they know where I keep it?

   6 out of 10 people wash their hands after using the bathroom, 4 out 10 use soap, 3 out of 10 actually wait for the water to get hot also.

   Lumber companies have a lot of board meetings..

   the guy at subway put the potato chips on my sandwich without me even asking. either he's stoned or he knows that I am

   knows where all the purses are!

   Hey mylife, I can promise you, 28 people are NOT searching for me! Quit lying!

   REMINDER: Don't forget to hand out White Chocolate this Halloween so that little Black kids can get their faces dirty too!

   In the cookies of life FRIENDS are the chocolate chips

   My girlfriend asked me, "Do You believe in love at first sight"? I said, "At the first sight of what"?

   I thought that Google could figure everything out. So I put it to the test. I Googled women. It came back with " Question to complicated " and under the search box. "Exact words & Not feeling so lucky".

   not sure what's worse.... finding out Darth Vader is your father or remembering that the day before you were trying to f*ck your sister??

   Out of all the fish in the sea, your the only one I want to mount..

   Ok...tryin to loose weight... I went to the doctor this mornin. He ask.. How's your diet? I said I've been eating apples, bananas, oranges . Then he asked... "have you seen a skinny gorilla," I said FU!!