Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   would like to wish everyone a Friday the 13th filled with horny teenagers and not machete wielding maniacs...!

   I absolutetly love drinking water... too bad they don't mention the ingredients on the bottle I'd like to make some at home...

   Women do NOT sleep when we guys go out at night, it's like TV you switch it off and it stays on stand-by!

   not a Paraskevidekatriaphobic!!! Happy Friday The 13th everyone!!!

   You see stretch marks........ I see tiger stripes

   responsibly irresponsible....

   At times, I really wish that my place of employment had a chimpanzee that gives you an ice cold beer when leaving the office as part of your benefits package

   I wonder if the band that recorded the Saved By The Bell theme ever gets together once in a while just to jam.

   The heat doesn't seem so bad when you think how hot it must be for the cook who just dripped sweat in your lunch.

   I don't trust girls with mustaches.

   Recipe for disaster: A dash of stupidity combined with copious amounts of greed and prepared by the government.

   Meteor Shower! Yeah, right NASA. We know better.

   The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over it

   says if people are scared of the number 13, why are we not scared of BoB, he has 2 scrunched up 13s in his name.

   The Tooth Fairy teaches kids to sell their body parts for Money.

   at Camp Crystal Lake, getting drunk with her best friends and running around in her underwear, and holy crap did anyone else hear that noise?

   I think if I were to stop suddenly... my son would find himself lodged somewhere in my colon.

   are the mosquitos bad.....are the mosquitos BAD ?!?... last night I saw two on my patio with Drinks in their hand "huffing" deep woods off .... while one said to the other " dude...you catch a buzz yet"..... yes they're that bad

   Q. What do you call a French man in sandals? A. Philippe Philoppe

   1-2 Freddy's coming for you... ---oh wait! wrong movie! Happy Friday the 13th!