Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She blinded me with science. By science, I mean pepper spray.

   Just heard kings of Leon cancelled a show cause their lead singer took a load of pigeon s%$t right in his mouth. Haha. Take a hint, even the pigeons think ur fricking sh$#ty!! Get off the stage.....

   Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

   Why do they put slow cashiers on the speedy checkouts?

   One of the best feelings is cutting a person off and then having them do something to reassure you that you made the right decison.

   I'm not sure If I just pulled a groin muscle working out, but I am walking funny and I sound like Mike Tyson...

   The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

   Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do. And if you piss him off, you go to a place full of fire and burning and torture and anguish. But he loves you. He loves you, and he needs money.

   They are making a Mexican version of the ‘Sound of the Music'? Sombrer over the mountain…..

   I was very ambitious about achieving goals until I learned you can just go to bars and lie to people.

   I met a girl in a pub last night.We ended up going back to hers.After a few more drinks, we started kissing & having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs."I said,"Okay you grab one end and I'll grab the other.

   If we arent meant to have late night snacks then why is there a light in the fridge?

   breaking news! Suicidal twin kills sister by accident!

   when the smog clears in Los Angeles, UCLA...

   wonders why all the old people talk about how far they walked to school back in the day...didnt anyone live close to the school back then

   I like to play "Rodeo Cowboy" with my girlfriend. Whenever we're making love and I'm behind her, I call her by a different name and see how long I can hold on.

   My poor girlfriend. She's been sick every morning so far this week. I hope she starts to feel better.

   Suppose I should get a girlfriend. Yep, I'm almost out of cologne.

   It's never a good sign when you lift a girls skirt and find a fly strip dangling down.

   Dang Kobe, first Artest and now Matt Barnes!? Talk about keeping ur friends close and ur enemies closer! Lol