Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies that tattoo of the sun rising out of your butt-crack looks great now however when you're 60 it's an octopus chasing a starfish.

   aye Justin Bieber Imma let you finish but Ricky Martin is the best gay singer of all time! All Time!

   A woman should know how to look like a girl, how to act like a lady, how to think like a man." :)

   I saw a girl with "GUESS" on her shirt. I said "fake?". she slapped me!!

   According to my nipples, I'm freezing!

   I wish I could delete all the cookies I ate last night

   My bank just called me because of suspicious activity on my debit card. They couldn't believe I bought a gym membership either.

   I wish I had more middle fingers.

   Falling in love is like jumping off a very tall building. Your brain tells you - it's not a good idea, while your heart tells you - you can fly.

   I am my own worst enemy, and the enemy has gas weaponry.

   according to the color of my pee, I had a great night last night!

   If Apple bought out ihop no one would ever know..

   I hope the trend of businesses placing hand sanitizers everywhere soon extends to ATMs.Imagine what germs the slobs who use my ATM are carrying,considering they can't even bother to either take their receipts or throw them in a garbage can 6 inches away

   ..just has this way of lighting up a room whenever she walks in. She flips a switch.

   Can someone explain to me why I just bought a pack of Sweet Tarts and a sugar free drink?

   Life lesson....never put Preparation H next to the toothpaste in the morning.....YUCK!

   Some people say I'm too brutally honest. The truth hurts... and I don't carry band-aids.

   not in a mood to update her status, So let it remain EMPTY.. :P :P

   U can win any argument if you put "technically" before any statement 

   Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.