Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Acting as if today is Saturday. Going to work unshaved, no shower, in shorts and a T, full cooler of beer as my brief case, and the attitude of "don't bother me, it's Saturday".

   hates when I wake up late for work and get ready in a hurry, then you realize its your day off. : (

   wished mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood.

   Has come to the conclusion that fruit-loops are just gay cheerios. =)

   According to some magazine, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it's hard to steal a car when the owner's living in it...

   wondering why brain cells die, skin cells die, your hair follicle die, but fat cells live FOREVER?

   its official, I'm old. I sat down to use the bathroom this morning and teabaged the toilet water!!

   Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made something interesting out of myself

   Wishing I knew all my Facebook friends....Some seem pretty cool...Sure hope I meet them someday....

   Those that are often disgusted by others are usually most disgusted with themselves. But will rarely admit it.

   wants the Micro Machines Man to do my eulogy.

   I want you as much as Lady Gaga wants Alejandro!

   Snap! Crackle! F*ck!? Did I just put something metal in the microwave?

   I'm in line at "the dollar tree" and a woman grabs a pregnancy test from the "impulse buy" section at the register. Who see's this in line, and thinks..."hey, I could use this for a buck" Your thoughts? Concerns?

   St. Anthony just asked me if I have seen his keys...

   how come vehicle start to break down as soon as you pay them off... Do manufactures click a botton or something???

   New Word: Procrastibation - Needing to do something important like laundry, but decide that getting off is more important!

   locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.

   dear science, thanks for all your contributions lately, but is there a chance we can get some windshield wiper fluid infused birds anytime soon? Thanks:)

   ..poked in the heart and you're to blame..you give Facebook a bad name..