Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ♫ This is my facebook. This is my gun. This is for updating, inviting, posting, laughing, flirting, whining, arguing, venting, complaining, fighting, this is for fun. ♫

   I have a friend who's a homicide detective. His business card says, "Our day begins, when yours ends."

   when one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion.

   Don't ask for my opinion then. I said congrats on the car, just saying nobody's panties are getting wet from a Honda Accord

   True love is me texting you back before I die on call of duty instead of after

   What is a girlfriend?? Addition of problems. Subtraction of money. Multiplication of enemies. Division of friends.

   Cool slogan for the new Facebook movie: "See it with someone you never talked to in high school."

   I remember the day like it was yesterday when I realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights

   Don't focus on the one guy who hates you. You don't go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog s##t

   Humans will die out. We're weak. Dinosaurs survived on rotten flesh. You got diarrhea last week from a Wendy's

   Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you, don't kiss an a$$ if it's in the process of $hitting on you

   anyone want my old toaster oven? It's pretty snazzy…has the pattern of a loaf of Wonder Bread stained on the top of it….they're all the rage ya know…be the first of your friends to own one…at the low…low price of——-> FREE!”

   I know I'm wrong, but I always pull for the men on the Maury Show lol.

   I never realized how many people I hate until I got on facebook...

   , Did you hear about the optometrist who had an accident at work? He slipped and fell into his lens-grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

   Doesn't matter how you find the gold, as long as you beat the leprechaun to it

   You've been backstabbed, rejected, unwanted, abandoned, betrayed, tricked, lied to, ridiculed, cheated on, heartbroken, defeated, and said NO to all your life...Did it kill you? Of course not...just made you stronger. USE IT.

   At the end of the rainbow, there's no pot of gold. It's just cornflakes.

   I am perfectly blithe to chortle at you bourgeios addlepates who pontificate nascent verbiage to seem shrewd. Guess what, you fecal matter is odoriferous.

   Life has no damn remote....get up and change it yourself!