Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Was in hospital waiting room and had sat on a newspaper that was on the chair. This guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" Didn't really know how to respond... So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again...

   ‎*disclamer* no animals were harmed in the crafting of this status update. Stunt doubles were substituted and all theories were tested on a closed course.

   thinking about some chicken fried, cold beer, and wearing a pair of jeans that fit just right!

   Do NOT download the Mel Gibson app on your new iPhone. It attacks all your other apps, then implodes.

   So, ladies..... when you don't feel like using the "Shakeweight," do you tell yourself you have a headache?

   Plano, where guys show up in ed hardy shirt glittered up, fake bake tan, dragon ball z hair, wearing sunglasses indoors.

   Plano TX, where guys show up in ed hardy T- shirts glittered up, fake bake tan, dragon ball z hair, wearing sunglasses indoors. Thank you for making meeting women so easy for me.

   Are you into fitness? Then you shouldn't have a problem fitness d*** in ur mouth!

   I just ordered a cup of coffee from a BP gas stations and the attendant spilled it... why am I not surprised!

   didn't think I needed a dude for anything...but batteries aren't gonna help me move this furniture around.

   sometimes feels like a booger on the dashboard of life

   You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"

   The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when they fill out a job application.

   The reason guys don't have problems with underarm fat? We were born with shake weights already attached

   Some people should shove sticks up their a*ses like lollipops cause they are nothing but f**king suckers!

   Was once told that you will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one...by the time I realized it was a figure of speech... She had already hit the ground.

   In a Relationship w/ Friday. "I'm really happy to see you again, you know how much I love you and miss you. Although we only see each other once a week, you never fail to make me happy. What I really like the most about you is that UNLIKE GIRLS, you don't

   OMG, you drink near beer? That's like when my sister circled all the Waldo's in my "Where's Waldo Book?" totally worthless and not enjoyable.

   Behind every great man is a ninja. And behind that ninja is another ninja.

   Traffic lights are society's way of mocking the colorblind.