Funny Status Messages

   To the additional pot that was on the stove after I thought I was done washing the dishes, I hate your stinkin' guts.

   "My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ....

   Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

   I've got the moves like jagger! Just kidding, I dance like a retarded penguin.

   it just me or do country line dancers look like redneck zombies??

   The fastest way to fix that annoying noise in your car, is to just open the door..... And push her the f out.

   Be with a guy that ruins your lipstick, not your mascara

   Capitalism: work hard, become rich like rommney. Or sit at home and be a poor loser

   Ladies, holding out on sex with your man to get what you want will not work. He will just take longer showers.

   deep in the forest theres a metal box that controls most forest settings. toggle birds, set default leaf size, select season, squirrel ratio

   I remember the day I used to be so proud of my son. Now look at him.

   I want to make a puzzle that says "Get a job" after its completed.

   If a car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a little so the cars behind me can see I'm not causing the traffic

   I swear ugly people find love faster.

   It's 2012. We're supposed to have flying cars and stuff. But no... Just pajamas that look like jeans.

   I'm not certain, exactly, when I became "old". But, I've narrowed it down to sometime between 1988 and last night, when I noticed Song Pop classify "Guns 'n Roses" as "Classic Rock"

   When I was young, I had to walk all the way to the TV to change the channels.

   ....Nothing says "F@#K YOU" better than "your call has been forwarded to automatic voice message center"

   Does Roseetta Stone work? I want to learn to speak Mexican!

   I rarely slip and fall, but when I do, I do it in front of a lot of people.