Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That uneasy moment when you ask a midget what they want to be when they grow up.

   By the age of 60, the average black woman has spent 21900 days (3 years) scratching her weave.

   Oh, you hate drama? Please continue to dramatically complain about it.

   An 89 is just a 69 with a fat chick.

   Who the hell watches Ellen Degeneres? she's almost as funny as the death of an immediate family member.

   I remember my grandpas last words before he kicked the bucket... "Hey son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

   I'm still waiting for the episode of Extreme Home Make Over where they demolish a hobo's cardboard box and build him a crate...

   It is a tradition in my family to put a one hundred dollar bill in a plastic Easter egg and hide it along with all the other eggs. I have collected the reward for 15 years in a row, also this is how long I have been designated the "hider."

   Statistically 60% of people use their mobile phone to cheat on their partners. Personally I prefer to use my pen!s.

   A wise man once said........ relationships are like jacking off.... no doubt, they're amazing.. but they always end in a mess.

   Scientists in Southampton claim to have created a wonder drug for period pain........... Personally, I use earplugs.

   Give a man to fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'd stop after a day & be like "Screw that. It was way easier wen you guys just got me fish"

   You can learn a lot about a woman from the top dresser drawer beside her bed...

   I really pity whoever is the last man on earth. Most women agree they want nothing to do with that guy.

   10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.. Now we have like 50 million dumb guys still posting a bad joke over and over

   I spent the afternoon scanning Facebook profile pics and some of you really need to find Jesus.

   Does anyone know the name of that rap song where they talk about weed and b!tches?

   No thanx, bootleg cologne man. I'll pass. I prefer NOT to smell like Febreze mixed with old hotdog water.

   For those of you concerned about my upcoming birthday and struggling for ideas as to what to get me this year, I have registered for gifts at the liquor store…

   Anti Single Ply TP