Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing says "this wont last"...quite like an engagement ring from Wal-Mart !*

   Either my shirt shrunk in the wash or, a more likely reason, those four push-ups per day have made me a BEAST.

   Getting older sucks, I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks, but now its more like a bounced check.

   Always smile in the morning. It will make people wonder what you did the night before.

   Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.

   Friends teach you what you WANT to know. Enemies teach you what you NEED to know.

   wonders...if NASA sends a pregnant woman into space and gives birth...is the baby an alien?

   Unfortunetley for me, mirrors dont talk. Lucky for you, they dont laugh either.

   Sometimes I ask myself “Why me?What have I done to deserve this?” Then, I say to myself, “Oh…right.”

   If you got attacked by a bunch of homeless people would you be bummed?

   Somewhere in Florida, a strip club just gained an employee.

   Do you know how much more gas mileage my car would get if it didn't have to haul my fat ass around?

   Sometimes I talk to a strangers like we're old friends and then hope that they walk away thinking "Where the hell do I know that guy from?"

   I'm selling Royal Wedding barf bags for anyone else who is nauseous from seeing every sickening detail on TV.

   Why do girls associate their selfies with a deep yet irrelevant quote, I do not understand the correlation.

   It's weird how starving people aren't allergic to gluten.

   I am SO out of the loop. So are Ferguson people rioting because Bill Cosby raped 20 women?

   wonders which black athlete or rapper Caitlyn will end up dating? ♠️

   I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.

   We asked 100 people (top ten answers on the board), "Who will never host live TV ever again?!"