Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Back in the day, pirates used to raid armed ships, fight off trained swordsman for their gold, and survive on deserted islands with no other means of support. Now they sit in a chair and download movies. How far they have fallen?

   The "Like" button is the new red AIDS ribbon. It allows people to feel like they're being supportive without having to actually do anything.

   I'm not a fan of Keebler cookies, or for that matter, anything else made by dirty elves in an unsanitary hollowed-out tree factory

   could care less where you leave it - as long as it is on my floor with the rest of your clothes.

   My doctor asked me if I drank to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.

   Girls just want to have funds!

   thinks that there is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

   .Neighbors get really angry when they catch you on their roof adjusting their satellite dish.

   When I play a fighting game, I press random buttons and hope for the best.

   Naps are for old people. I was taking a horizontal life pause. :)

   I don't have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.

   You sit quietly under a needle for hours getting a tattoo but if I touch you with my ice cold feet you let out a bloodcurdling scream.

   My drunk neighbor says he was attacked by a big bat last night but I was actually using a golf club.

   ‎"If you're building a time machine, Take your time. what's the rush?"

   To all of you who posted your lotto numbers: I copied them and played them too. If you win, I win. And I get half. Think of it as a pre-emptive divorce.

   People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.

   For those of you concerned about my upcoming birthday and struggling for ideas as to what to get me this year, I have registered for gifts at the liquor store…

   Just spilled Whiskey all over my insides!

   I'm not shy. I just don't like to talk when I have nothing meaningful to say.

   TWILIGHT - Breaking Dawn Part 1: how can a guy that is basically dead get a woman pregnant? when he turned into a vampire shouldn't his sperm turn to dust like Hugh Hefner?