Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Man is the only living being who cuts trees, makes paper, and writes “SAVE TREES” on it.

   Folks, there's zero % chance a candidate will pay off your student loans if elected. They're just pandering for all those votes...

   It's all fun and games until your iPhone is at 10% power

   So I'm in line at Walgreens,,, The lady ahead of me turns around & whispers to me she has diarrhea. Apparently,, I have a "Tell me if you have diarrhea" face..

   I hope the dudes driving the monster trucks with the silver balls hanging from the trailer hitch appreciates me sprinkling glitter and glue on them. Now their two disco balls.

   I went to Wal-Mart to buy shampoo. Spent $150 and forgot the shampoo

   Facebook says we're 'friends' ,but trust me, I wouldn't hesitate to kick you in the teeth.

   RIP Kim Jong Il...and by RIP, I mean Rot in Perdition. May Satan put you in charge of North Hell

   Those Valentine's Day displays at the entrance of every store are like surprise parties for your loneliness.

   Guy gets wife roses. She says "I guess this means you want me on my back w my legs in the air?" He says, "Why, we don't have a Vase?

   What's with all the relationship post?! This ain't Dr.Phil! Be Funny..or Be out!

   Headline: Aussie coast fears rogue shark may have killed 3 people. - Rogue shark? Ok, who's house are you swimming in? That's his domain. Perhaps more accurately the head line should be, Rogue swimmers caught by shark and eaten.

   Alex, I'll take WTF for a $1000

   I have a six figure salary. Unfortunately, all six figures are to the right of the decimal point.

   My iPhone just auto-corrected "I will be home shortly" to "I wish I was single"

   I hope daylight savings time hasn't thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing

   There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.

   you sing about how you shot a b*tch and did cocaine, but when I download your music from the internet I’m the one doing something illegal?

   Checked myself for ticks but I didn't hear anything.

   Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I'm wrong but...."Don't do it!! It's a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!