Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn't even apply for a job there

   Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.

   The best part about pooping with the door open in the morning is being able to see everyone's face at Starbucks.

   Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn't see himself in a mirror.

   Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.

   Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going.

   If ANY of my posts have made even one person's day better,, then there's something seriously wrong with that person

   Ever look around the room at your family and think to yourself "it's amazing I turned out as good as I did." Then realize you said it aloud?

   Coworker just said "I need a thick black one." She was talking about a marker but I'm still reporting her to HR for sexual harassment.

   It's not my farting that bothers my wife, it's me yelling "Release the Kraken!!" right before I do it.

   Let's face it ladies, if men walked around with b0ners you'd stare at them too.

   Lean Cuisine: Because I like a snack before my real lunch.

   In the end, girls really just want one thing from guys, all of our hoodies.

   Prank: Get car chalk and write "Just Married" on every car in a Walmart parking lot.

   I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.

   Mirrors don't talk, but lucky for you they don't laugh either

   Just once I would like the pilot to say "Hey gang, who here wants to just keep flying and see where we end up?"

   at what age do you tell your highway that it's adopted?

   "Women are made to be loved, not understood." - Oscar Wilde

   MySpace is the VHS of the internet.