Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't wanna brag but that was the most perfectly executed 16 point turn of my life.

   California is so broke, that earthquakes are moving now to the DC areas.....

   I miss the metal slides that would give you 3rd degree burns on a hot summers day...Goodtimes!!

   Hey erectile dysfunction pill maker, at my age, I am really not up for 4 hours of anything...do you have something in the 20 minute range?

   I've been hearing how nowadays 16 and 17 year old couples be spending the night at each other house. I'm not sure how y'all parents are but mine didn't play that sh*t.

   LISTEN,,, Every pizza can be a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.

   I just cleaned out my car, and to anyone whom I've ever accused of stealing my lighter, these 47 lighters and I would like to apologize.

   Legend has it the "M" in MTV once stood for music.

   I'm concerned my kids will end up in therapy because I didn't tell everyone on FB how much I love them.

   Stupid people aren't flammable enough.

   Romeo and Juliet is Not a Love Story... It's a 3-Day relationship between a 13 year-old and a 17 year-old that caused 6 Deaths. Sincerely, -Everyone who actually Read it.

   I have one nerve left! And you're dry humping it!....Go Away!!!

   I carry a gun because I'd rather be judged by 12 than carried by six.

   Once again its friday I know its only been 7 days since the last one but feels like its been a week....

   Found out today that midgets dont like being called midgets....AND they really dont like being called people McNuggets...

   According to my Nike Fuelband, I've just masturbated for 4 miles.

   Happy New Year everyone....and may your worries this year last no longer than a Kardashian marriage .

   Taking back your EX is like buying your shi$ back from your own garage sale..

   Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.

   Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat ...Then I remember they just feed off attention.