Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat,,, not two cats in one.

   Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.

   Who needs dance lessons when you've got alcohol?!

   Don't you wish you could just google anything? Like "where's the remote?" google:"under the couch",

   anything is pocket sized if your ass is big enough

   It's okay to laugh during sex, just don't point.

   I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a soberphobic.

   If you don't think anyone loves you or cares about you, gimme me a call...I'll confirm that for you.

   A guy in a Smart car just flipped me off, which is about as adorably menacing as being cursed at by Teddy Ruxpin

   Hey Sun-chips way to go,, making a Bio-degradable bag that's so friggin loud my neighbors can hear my junk food addiction,,

   Why won't the machines just take over already? I'm tired of doing stuff.

   Edward Scissorhand's death was probably from running.

   What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Patient.

   Dick Clark has passed, we cant ring in the new year, well played mayans, well played

   My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.

   Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest natural resources which must be preserved at all costs.

   BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them. 

   You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives here.

   Dealing with backstabbers, there was one thing I learned. They're only powerful when you got your back turned.

   just enjoying a nice hot bath with candles and a glass of wine and then the neighbors came home. I have never seen them so mad.