Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hearing your legs creaking as you get into the standing split pose in yoga class is a sure way of telling people that you havent been laid in a while

   This could be the best day ever... but it isn't. Again

   not feeling himself today............ anyone else wanna try!!! :-)

   refuses to "lather, rinse, repeat". Seriously... how dirty do they think my hair gets?!?

   Today my heart will do all my thinking. It gets free reign to walk barefoot in the grass.

   I'm the author of my life.Unfortunately I'm writing in pen so I can't erase my mistakes

   Please don't ever change! I always want to be better than you.

   I think this day just took a hard right onto WTF blvd...

   I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they're alive?

   I saw a sign that said END ROAD WORK. I find it annoying too, but I don't think I would protest against it.

   Irony is people complaining about Facebook's privacy settings when every other update is about their weekly visit to their gynecologist.

   Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like. WHY?

   Seriously! It should be a lot harder to find people for the show 16 and Pregnant. . . Teens, maybe you should find a different hobby?

   DEFENITION: Jagermeister - Irreversable decisions in a bottle.

   The good thing about multiple personalities is that if you collect enough of them you're prepared for any situation

   I dont know who is more embarrassed....me stopping at a yard sale that isnt a yard sale or the person whose place looks like theres a garage sale.

   I just got my wifes Christmas gift. I hid it in the oven. She will never find it there!

   I typed my ex's address into my gps and instead of directions the voice said "I don't think you really want to go there"

   I heard a fantastic idea today. Instead of the strip-screener machines at the airport, we need a reinforced isolation chamber, once in, any explosives on the body are somehow detonated. Everyone is happy.

   it's not possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement!