Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My gf says I never listen to her (or something like that)

   Target is nothing more than Walmart in a tuxedo t-shirt.

   Light switches that flip up for off should be banned

   believes that if politicians don't have to pay their taxes, we shouldn't either

   Cyber sex is not as easy as it sounds. I should have picked a less crowded Starbucks.

   The new version of Pac-Man is so awesome, it comes with a search engine built into it

   Finds that the best place to pick up women is at the Immigration Office.

   partying isnt wasting money. its investing in good memories! :D

   My friend told me not to say anything about her new boyfriends lazy eye, so I made sure to give numerous compliments on his normal one.

   if I live to be over 100 I'm gonna tell people something crazy of how I've lived to be that old like I ate a pine cone everyday or something like that.

   I've come to a life altering decision. I'm giving up the guitar, and gonna to learn to play that thing in the Ricola commercials.

   Your liver is the only organ that can regenerate itself. I believe that calls for a drink… Cheers!

   My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.

   I'm hungry, but I'm not 'cook something' hungry.

   The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.

   Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye AFTER you hit send.

   I haven't lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.

   I’m sorry pornsite but I’m just trying to masturbate and not get involved in stuff like online casino games, thanks.

   Given the places I've had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".

   You're born looking like your parents, but you'll die looking like your decisions.