Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.

   If you are ever wondering who is rapping in a song, just wait 4 more seconds and he'll say his name.

   Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on.

   I just saved a bunch of money on Christmas by switching to single

   if a bra is an "over the shoulder boulder holder" then what would you call men's underwear? Under the butt nut hut?

   Why is it that when a bird flies into a window, everyone feels bad for the bird, but when I walk into a sliding glass door, it's suddenly f*cking hilarious?

   KY should just go ahead and make lip gloss already.

   I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live...

   The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.

   I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager

   A guy hears his wife's voice from the kitchen, "What would you like for dinner my love? chicken, beef or lamb?" He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken." she yells back, "You're having soup you jerk! I was talking to the cat!"

   Facebook account for sale, Friends included

   They've brought in a new rule at work: no drinking at your desk. I'm not too worried about it - there's 78 other desks here.

   believes that Facebook is a lot like a refridgerator. when you're bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there's anything good in it!!!!!

   There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.

   It's going to be really funny watching 2012 in 2013.

   I wish I had more middle fingers.

   I wouldn't need Facebook if there was a website that just told me whether or not my exes got fat.

   Note to Self: when going on the first date, must make sure that both parties have the same understanding of what "eating out " means.

   I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says "Haha good one!" and we laugh and laugh and take a nap