Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you are ever wondering who is rapping in a song, just wait 4 more seconds and he'll say his name.

   I refuse to watch any presidential debates until they are both hooked up to lie detectors.

   If you're buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I'm sorry to tell you it's not working

   I just saved a bunch of money on Christmas by switching to single

   if a bra is an "over the shoulder boulder holder" then what would you call men's underwear? Under the butt nut hut?

   Why is it that when a bird flies into a window, everyone feels bad for the bird, but when I walk into a sliding glass door, it's suddenly f*cking hilarious?

   The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.

   I saw some black kids spraypainting their names on a wall and decided to join in. I'd only done the first three letters of my name when they started beating the sh*t out of me. They obviously don't like people called Nigel.

   KY should just go ahead and make lip gloss already.

   I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live...

   A guy hears his wife's voice from the kitchen, "What would you like for dinner my love? chicken, beef or lamb?" He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken." she yells back, "You're having soup you jerk! I was talking to the cat!"

   "We are upping our standards... so up yours!"

   Facebook account for sale, Friends included

   I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager

   Not to brag, but I can still fit into my highschool girlfriend.

   Dr. Huxtable was an OB/GYN with an office in his home basement. I mean, come on...

   I bet the passengers on the missing Malaysian airplane are racking up some serious reward miles, given all of the different directions they've been flying.

   Why do all you women brag about multi-tasking. You need to chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once

   They've brought in a new rule at work: no drinking at your desk. I'm not too worried about it - there's 78 other desks here.

   believes that Facebook is a lot like a refridgerator. when you're bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there's anything good in it!!!!!