Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought we were gonna buy Mexico, Then fix it up & flip it... What ever happened with that?

   OMG!!! Direct TV is no longer showing Viacom channels... How am I going to watch 16 and Pregnant now? Oh.. wait.. Walmart. NEVERMIND!

   If I come to your house and you say "make yourself at home", don't get mad when I take my pants off and drink your beer.

   now a days...all the little rascals would have been removed from their homes and the parents would be facing neglect charges

   Mark Zuckerberg is 28 today and is worth $100B. Reminds me of when I was 28 and was able to purchase groceries without selling plasma.

   Some guy just gave me half of a peace sign.

   Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said strip down facing me,she was referring to my credit card.

   I hate when I plan out a conversation with someone in my head and they don't follow the script.

   The next time someone annoys you so much you just wanna slap them… Do it and say, “Mosquito” and quickly walk away.

   you are seven. Why do you have a phone? Who are you going to call....... Dora?

   I'm trying to remain humble but I'm the most famous person in my living room right now.

   Hey lady in the other car, eating and talking on your cell phone. It's called a Ford Focus, not a Ford Multi-task.

   DOCTORS WRITING: "﹏﹏ ﹏﹏ ﹏﹏." HOW I SEE IT: "∮₪₮￦￡." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."

   When you hear "that's illegal in 49 states,"....The other state is ALWAYS Kentucky..

   We were making out on the couch and She's like "Let's take this upstairs" I'm like "Ok you grab one side and I'll grab the other!"

   If the person is ugly , you call them a stalker. If the person is goodlooking, you call them a secret admirer.

   Only people with sh!tty video cameras and shaky hands can see UFOs.

   You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.

   Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on.

   Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.