Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I'm ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Kool Aid guy.

   If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

   I was hoping Apple would replace Siri with Morgan Freeman on the iPhone 5

   If you can't use your turn signals, you should not be trusted with the rest of the car either.

   I swear the question "what do you want to eat?" Leads to more fights then any other phrase..

   If someone won't lift a finger to call you, see you or spend time with you then it's time for you to lift five fingers and wave goodbye

   When I wake up before my alarm clock...I sometimes sneak up on it while it's still sleeping and yell "HOW DOES IT FEEL B*TCH"

   Facebook is not all about likes and shares. . . Like and share if you agree.

   if your FB name includes your college degree initials, you are a douche...

   Masturbation is great. It wakes you up, puts you to sleep, relieves stress, and the only person who judges if you're good at it is yourself

   My boss asked me today which one of us was the stupid one. I told him everyone knows that you dont hire stupid people.

   Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"

   Turbo tax might just be the worst video game I ever played.

   Love doesn’t walk away, people do.

   If you don’t tell your girlfriend she’s beautiful everyday, 614 guys on Facebook who haven’t had sex or even been on a date in 9 years will.

   I'm proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don't want to hang out with you now... but I'm still very proud...

   The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.

   I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.

   It would be great if there was an app that deletes your phone number from other people's phones.

   I hate to call it "one night stands." I prefer "auditions."