Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I should probably press charges on myself after the shower I just took.

   I just wanted to say "Thank you" to those of you have faithfully cracked me up when I pop in here. Off to wipe coffee of my screen again.

   Facebook has just suggested I poke my wife . . . Yeah good one facebook . . . Been trying for weeks . .

   Why is the media so negative? Instead of "Polar Bear Kills Alaskan Teen", why not "Alaskan Teen Feeds Starving Polar Bear"?

   Quitting Facebook is the new, adult version of running away from home. We all know you're doing it for attention and we all know that you'll be back.

   If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it's either a new woman - or a new car. ....

   #891... you didnt inbox me a number but I've always wanted to say this to you. Your depressing posts piss me off to no end! You need a haircut, I dont think he loves you anymore either, and I really dont give a Shi! what adorable trick your cat did today!

   Want to know if you're in the wrong relationship? If you were reading this hoping I really had the answer, it's over. You're welcome.

   Israel changes its relationship status with Egypt on FB to "it's complicated". Lebanon, Syria & Palestine 'like' this

   I found a skull near my home today. I went to call the police, but curiosity got the better of me and I picked the skull up and wondered "Who was this person?","Where did he come from?" "How did he die?",and "Why did he have moose antlers?"

   Just once on a cooking show I'd like someone to taste-test the completed dish, scrunch up their face and say, "Oh my God, that tastes like sh*t!"

   thinks McDonald's should start selling a deep fried pickle covered in batter. They can call it the McDillDough.

   texting this fb status right now because someone really annoying just sat across from me and I want to look busy.  

   just realized life hasn't changed much. 15years ago on Sunday night I was wishing I was grown up and had a job. Today night I'm up wishing I was in school.......

   Facebook: A place where you discover that people you once respected can't spell.

   If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

   I'm always a bit disappointed when I see a Kia Soul and there is no hamster driving it.

   Whoever invented morning sex forgot about morning breath.

   The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.

   I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.