Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   new project runway tonight, I think i'll settle in with a big flaming cup of gay and watch it

   Saw a field of baby antelopes hatch from their cantaloupes last night, So magical........

   The upside of crystal meth is I found out my dog is a great listener.

   What do you get when you cross an Italian and a Pollack?A guy who makes you an offer you can't understand.

   I am thankful I will not be THAT person who decides to post a picture of their Thanksgiving dinner on Facebook.

   I escapee from the Island of Misfit Toys

   Just what was the "Baby On Board" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to hit in case of an accident?

   I wish my wife could understand that I have thoughts and feelings. I'm not just some boy-toy, send by god for her pleasure.

   One of my favorite things to do in my spare time is sneak into fancy restaurants and switch everyone's freshly brewed coffee with instant.

   I think we need to be more concerned about dinosaur ghosts.

   To all the merchants trying to make a buck off of Christmas...Go elf yourself!

   If an old man stuffs you in a bag don't worry, I asked for you for Christmas. Oh he threw you in a van, not a sleigh? Yeah, you're screwed.

   I went to google and type in "let it snow" and snow started falling. So I typed "let it rain" and the strippers started falling to the floor.

   I hear someone's going around stealing all the coffee from the poor. I don't know how he can sleep at night,

   You know you're a slut if you know how to make eye contact while giving a bl0wjob.

   Women, they always want what they can't have!

   I love taking the grocery store up on their offer to carry my groceries out to my car for me

   When I text someone in the same room as me.. I stare at them until they get it.. (-_-)

   dn sı ʎɐʍ ɥɔıɥʍ ʍouʞ ʇou op noʎ ןıʇun ʞcuɟ

   You look so fckn gross when you're happy.