Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.

   Glad to hear we've all been picked up for another season.

   I have been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions

   If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.

   How did they measure hail before golf balls were invented?

   According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

   When the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say..

   I am.... 'My 1st car had an ashtray'... years old.

   The best thing about online classes is the beer.

   Break-ups aren't always meant for make-ups, sometimes they're meant for wake-ups.

   If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear.

   Nice try fat families with stick figure people on the back of their van

   Condom Ad: if you are not 100% satisfied with our product, Happy Father's Day!!

   Everybody get your flu shots now! Make sure all of your family and friends do too. Then I won't have to get one.

   I swear if this day gets any better, I'm gonna have to sit on my hands to keep from clapping!!!

   - So what if I can't spell armaggedon?..... It's not the end of the world. .....

   thinks BEER is the answer. I have no idea what the hell the question was.

   I am used but in good condition

   spent yet another day successfully converting oxygen to carbon dioxide.

   Whoever came up with that "lift with your knees and not with your back" idea is an idiot. Everybody knows that when it comes to lifting, the best way to do it is with your HANDS.