Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Uh-oh. My guardian angel just enrolled in the witness protection program.

   I do this thing where I suddenly become visible to people only when they need me.

   If I wasn't so addicted to food and shelter I would quit this lousy job.

   Relationships are all about finding someone that works opposite hours than you so you never have to see them.

   Cops never say "Thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed." It's just plain selfish!

   sometimes I think something and I'm like, "that would be a good Facebook Status update." This is not one of those.

   My doctor asked me if I drank to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.

   hippies want to save the trees, but they love to read books

   thinks sleep is for people without Internet access.

   If he were alive today, he'd turn over in his grave.

   wishes his sandwich would look like the damn picture for once.

   sorry I ignored your text yesterday, but did you really want me to reply to it with "I don't feel like texting you right now" anyway?

   It's time to do some stuff around the house. Sit around it... walk around it... lie around it...

   When I'm done using a unisex bathroom I leave the seat halfway up....never know who is coming in after me

   remembering the days when cell phones were used for making phone calls.

   I've adopted a highway. Well, technically, I just drive like I own it.

   Do all your FACEBBOOK "friends" want to be your friend or just want to be snooping in your business??? Just sayin....

   believes dinosaurs were made up by the CIA to discourage time travel.

   The movie "The Social Network" about facebook earned 9 million dollars in sales Friday night to top all movies. Imagine what they could have done if those veiwers had dates!

   Just entered hour nine of an overly-dramatic sigh.