Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   : Halloween.. The only time of the year where it's ok to take candy from a stranger

   Yeah....Hi, I'm watching your commercial cash for gold and you just showed a woman selling her wedding ring for $500. No, I don't want to sell gold, I want to meet her. She's hot and we know her marriage isn't working

   A lot of good conversations are ruined by some idiot that actually knows what he's talking about.

   The liquor store advertised.. We De-Liver

   Whats better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

   You're dating my ex? I ate a sandwich earlier, you want those leftovers too?

   "sex is like a restaurant - sometimes you get excellent service, sometimes you get very poor service, and sometimes you just have to settle for self-service"

   I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

   "Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

   The GOLDEN rule in my house is...IF it's funny your not in trouble.

   I seriously can't stand it when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus.

   was sitting on the bus today opposite a stunning Thai girl, thinking don't get an erection, don't get an erection - but then she did

   5 out of 6 people enjoy playing Russian Roulette

   The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.

   The biggest difference between my wife and a bear is that sometimes, if I play dead, the bear will leave me alone.

   Oh wow. you're really gonna fight me over the internet? What's the worst you can do, caps-lock my a@s?

   No darling 56 guys didnt like your profile pic because you are "pretty." They liked it cause your BOOBS are hanging out.

   They say being successful and living well is the best revenge... But rubbing your naked ass all over someone's cell phone when they aren't looking is pretty good too.

   I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it's not.

   Pressure builds on Weiner to pull out early!!!