Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear toilet paper makers, We've all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the middle softer. Sincerely, Our asses.

   This new layout has me more confused than a cow on astroturf.

   I'm not saying she was stupid, but I asked her how to spell Mississippi and she said 'the river or the state?'

   I went to the store today to buy a bag of air. To my surprise there were a couple doritos in it.

   I haven't seen a spider in the house in days.WHAT THE F*CK ARE THEY PLANNING?

   Justin Bieber vomited on stage in the middle of a performance. That concludes it then... she's pregnant.

   My wife and I have the cutest nicknames for each other. She is my buttercup and i'm her useless sack of s hit.

   Wanna see new features on your TV that you never knew existed? Let a baby play with the remote for about 12 seconds.

   I Just saw a tumbleweed roll past my last post

   I wonder if dog’s had facebook, would they put our picture as their profile picture.

   I don't know what's longer: a microwave minute or a treadmill minute...

   I always take a number at the deli, and I've been keeping them.... Eventually I'll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn

   call-in sick every morning to somewhere you don't work

   I don't care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn't grab you is to use the run and jump method.

   I've never met a group of people more worried about their "privacy" than the people on Facebook that share EVERYTHING about themselves.

   Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.

   Next years Superbowl has been changed to Motel 6. They'll leave the lights on.

   only two people with the combined IQ of a salad bar would name a kid NorthWest

   I really have no idea what a Kardashian is but,,,, From what I can gather, it's an exercise bike for basketball players.

   I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend until the acid wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Walmart parking lot.