Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thinking about writing a children's book called "Stop asking me for sh!t."

   If you can listen to Phil Collins "In the air tonight" and not play the air drums, then you my friend have no soul!

   The road to Hell is paved with everything that feels like Heaven.

   My favourite pastime is planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sitting back to watch the magic unfold.

   Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She's been talking for the last 2 days and doesn't seem ready to shut up anytime soon.

   A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.

   Mark Zuckerberg screwed over his class mates and best friend. Do you honestly think he cares about your opinion on the new Timeline layout?

   Louis Vuitton's selling $68 condoms? Fine by me. Anyone idiotic enough to spend that much money on a condom probably shouldn't breed.

   I love Facebook. It's the only place I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot.

   1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad Maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

   You know you are getting old when you have to scroll down, and scroll down some more, to select the year you were born when completing on-line forms.

   I didn't outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.

   The average penis length of a man is 5 1/2 inches. The average penis length of a man who googles "penis length" is 3 1/2 inches.

   Nothing's more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.

   When did this become "Un-comical, Boring Political Status Messages for Facebook"?

   If you love something,, let it go..... That's EXACTLY what I've done with my body....

   I have a black belt in leather

   Kim and Kanye's baby will probably be delivered by C-Section to avoid getting Chlamydia on the way out...

   A stranger phoned me up last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my breasts. Weirdo never showed up

   Bowling is my favorite sport because you don't have to run and there's beer five feet away.