Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you can't handle me at my drunkest, you don't deserve me when I'm sober.

   I don't take my wallet to work because I'm afraid someone will steal it while I'm sleeping.

   You can find true happiness inside yourself! Haha, almost had you. I'll meet you at the liquor store.

   OLYMPIC GYMNAST 2012: Jumps 20 feet in the air, defies all laws of physics, does 10 backflips, defeats voldemort, comes back down and lands perfectly on the balance beam while fireworks go off in the background. ME: I fall on face as I try putting socks

   I hate when I can't find a decent status update to steal.

   Sometimes its just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.

   Watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.

   I could really, really use some shenanigans.

   I wouldn't make it very long as a tattoo artist because I would always be asking "You're kidding me, right, you want that?"

   Before the Facebook, if someone disappeared, it meant you should go looking for them. Now it means they got a life.

   My favorite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

   I'm white, but not go to a yard sale at 7am to get all the "good stuff" white...

   Why don't television shows say, "You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?"

   I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I'd like whipped cream on it.

   Technology is creating all kinds of new psychological problems. Losing a cell phone can put almost anyone into a panic attack, followed shortly by separation anxiety disorder.

   Click like if you think it's a pain in the @ss when livejasmin pops up and disturbs in the middle of everything

   FACT: Friendships with coworkers are based on a mutual hatred for your jobs

   Was at the drug store and the kid in front of me was buying Magnum condoms. I gave him a thumbs up. He said "Impressed?" I said "I am impressed, that you bought those with a straight face".

   I don't do anything at 7am that doesn't involve Sleeping, Sex, or Bacon.

   Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn't!", he in fact did.